Editor’s note: If you can’t handle the F word (fart), best you click here instead.
Today I stumbled across a post I’d half written while falling asleep a few weeks back.
It was triggered by the ridiculous comment former spin king Shane Warne (or as my half asleep typing called him, Spunk Kong Dhane Watne) made on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! about women who talk about farts.
Although his comment was made a few weeks back, and the show has now finished, I still can’t quite deal with his idiocy.
At first I thought Warnie believed that women don’t fart, but it turns out he just doesn’t want the expelling of gas by way of burp or fart being talked about by women.
Especially when he’s hanging out in the African jungle and can’t escape.
It wasn’t even like one of the women had dropped out a loud and tooty fart, they were merely talking about farting being a common side effect of eating beans, which everyone know.
Camper (and former Bachelorette) Laurina Fleure explained that the longer beans are soaked, the less likely they are to cause wind.
Warnie responded, “Coming up with a dressing room full of 15 to 20 men living in each other’s pockets 24/7 I’m not trying to be on my high horse here or a hypocrite, I’m not used to women or ladies speaking about farting or burping”.
Imagine if, rather than merely mention farts, Laurina had actually dropped one out; a silent but violent fart that cleared out the camp.
Warnie would have been begging for a flight home faster than he could say, “I’m a celebrity”. Or he could have jumped back on his high horse.
I mean, in lieu of a dog to blame it on, Laurina would have had to pretend there was a baboon nearby.
Someone should warn Carmen Elektra that she’ll need to shut down her sphincter if her rumored relationship with the cricket great gets off the ground.
But in all honesty Shane, I understand how uncomfortable you must feel.
I suspect it’s almost as uncomfortable than I felt when I saw a photo of you in your hideous Playboy undies.
Almost. And my feelings were justified.
In fact, I think I’d rather have a guy trap me in a Dutch oven than have to see you in those undies again.
I didn’t even know people actually wore Playboy branded anything, let alone Reg Grundies.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand, wind. Gas. Farts. Fluffs.
It’s time to say it once and for all, women fart, Warnie.
They do it and sometimes they talk about it.
Research (not my own) suggests the average person farts 10 times a day, with guys farting more than women because they tend to eat faster and are less embarrassed to just drop one out.
But now, thanks to Warnie’s ridiculous comments, women across the country are trying to hold in their butt bubbles in case they seem less attractive.
Don’t get me wrong, I went to etiquette school so I’m not suggesting you drop one out in public or around unsuspecting bystanders, I’m just saying that if you’re spending endless hours in someone’s company, it’s okay if you let one rip.
Of course, none of this is applicable to me because I don’t fart.
But I’m pretty sure that if I did, I’d fart glitter and butterflies.