Last week I bought a new pair of gym tights (Activewear! Activewear!) and, while doing so, had a run in with a young, overly eager male sales assistant who caused me to flee back into my change room, sending an SOS text to mum begging her to make him go away.
His mistake was daring to suggest my tights may be too tight (and telling me to do some stretches to see how well I could move in them).
Big mistake. Big. Huge!
I really wanted to swan out of the store Pretty Woman style but I wanted the tights more and let’s be honest, the only marathon I’m likely to be doing in them is the Netflix kind.
But it got me thinking about tights and, as anyone who has ever had the absolute pleasure of working with me will confirm, I’m a huge believer that tights/leggings are not pants–especially in the workplace and/or with short tops.
I’ve shouted it (almost) from the rooftops, muttered it as people walked past and even stuck a fun flow chart above my desk explaining it for those who weren’t already in the know.
I understand that technically pants are “an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle”, which sadly means that tights are in fact pants.
But I’m going to say what everyone else is thinking when they kindly try to tell you that tights are not pants.
I don’t want to see your junk; be it in the front or in your trunk.
Tights–and I’m referring to the opaque or cheap stretchy lycra ones–are constantly given a bad wrap for a very good reason; when the light shines on them (even if you’ve got the most smoking set of pins without a single speckle of cellulite) they turn see through.
And if we can see your underwear YOU ARE NOT WEARING PANTS!
Trust me, I know my stuff because I am Queen of the Pants-less People. In fact, I don’t have pants on now.
Anyway, we all want to look like ONJ in our tights:
But sadly, sometimes we look more like this:
They say a pictures can say 1000 words, but mostly it’s just the same four words, repeated 250 times.
That being said, there are always exceptions to the rule and tights (I mean proper tights, not opaque tights that are described by a certain level of denier) can pass as pants in the context of:
- Any kind of sporting activity;
- A brunch/coffee/lunch date before or after some form of sporting activity;
- Sitting on the couch watching Netflix;
- Are partially covered by a tunic, a long jumper, tank or tee or a dress;
- Or you work in a store that sells activewear.
Or you could just wear them whenever and wherever you want, but for the love of Lagerfeld, make sure that shit ain’t see-through!
Why am I so obsessed with the coverage of your pants? Because I don’t want to see a camel toe over my cornflakes or your g-string as I drink my green juice.
But I’m not here to (just) be a judgmental Judy, I’m also here to help a sister out by showing you 9 pairs of tights that you’ll want to wear as pants that won’t leave your bum looking bare when you bend over.
And think of it this way, the brighter your tights, the less likely you are that someone will run you over!
1. Tiff Manuell Back Streets Tights, $89 || 2. Lululemon Real Quick Tights, $119 || 3. Lorna Jane Booty Support Full Length Tights, $110.99 || 4. Bonds Active Micro Full Legging in round animal print, $59.95 || 5. L’urv Pineapple Juice Leggings, $49.50 || 5. Lilybod Milla Spearmint Soda Leggings, $97 || 6. Skins Long Tights, $149.95 || 7. Cotton On Body Active Printed Core 7/8 in indigo tie dye, $15 || 8. Atmos Active Shoju Print Panel Tights, $49.95.
Let me know if you want me to send my new little mate over for his unsolicited opinion!
Where do you stand on the ‘tights are not pants’ argument?